Stephan
by Memory's Intuition
Summary: Severus, in hindsight, probably should've known not to lag behind at the meeting. Curse Albus Dumbledore. But maybe if Longbottom had been out that day, none of this would've happened. Mpreg. Snarry. OOC, somewhat. May be on hiatus randomly.


Hi guys—it's me again. Sorry it's been so very long since I posted anything. I've had a rough time, but I'm getting back to the basics. I didn't feel in the mood to post something for my other stories, but earlier I saw this picture (link on demand) on that inspired me.

So, you're looking at my shiny new Snarry story with a tiny twist. I hope you enjoy it, but don't get your hopes up—I may lose the drive for this too. So just relax, enjoy this, and wait for me to get my butt in gear again.

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Severus scowled at his luck. His _bad_ luck. He had the awful luck to be last in leaving the last Order of the Phoenix meeting, and Albus had caught up to him.

And after the standard guilt-tripping via Lily, Severus was condemned to check up on the Potter child's environment, and then retrieve the boy. The irritating, egotistical, arrogant brat of James Potter's DNA, and unfortunately a stain on the brilliance of Lily Evans.

So here he was, with the most ill-gotten luck in Hogwarts, to check up on Potter and take him to Headquarters. Black would be ecstatic to see the putrid little runt, one of his own kind.

Severus knocked smartly twice at the disgustingly 'normal' suburban home, waiting for Petunia or her husband (provided she'd roped some unfortunate fellow in) to answer the door.

But when the door flung open dramatically, no one was there. Severus skimmed his vision down the hall into the kitchen, over to the den, and then up the limited vantage of the stairway.

Not a soul.

Just then, a little nasal huff caught his attention, and he instinctively glanced in its direction—downwards.

A tiny, comically-manipulated version of Severus himself stared up at him. Its nose (definitely a parody of his most unfortunate of traits) was almost like a bird's bill, and its hair had a certain shine to it in mockery of his own. The thing's skin was identical to his own in sallowness, and it was dressed miniaturely to his normal teaching attire, yet its feet were proportionately longer.

All in all, it was maybe a foot tall, probably not heavier than maybe two and a half kilograms.

It made him think of a little yellow bird called 'Woodstock' on a muggle telly show Lily made him watch as a child. From any other person's aspect, this would have been an adorably comical version of him.

Yet Severus only saw it as Potter's personal blatant mockery of him, annoying him to no end.

"Stephan, I told you not to answer the door! Go finish your cereal, it's only getting soggier." Potter arrived from somewhere upstairs, not looking to the doorway as he chided the small parody of Snape like it was an unruly child.

The thing, Stephan, gave another nasal huff and turned, beginning a climb up the stairs (only a few steps for he or Potter, but a full-body challenge for the little thing). Potter looked as he if pitied the little thing, and was about to help it, when Severus cleared his throat dangerously.

Potter looked up in confusion, then blushed deeply in embarrassment. "I—" "You what, Potter? Care to explain what that thing is? Do you find it amusing to _mock_ me?"

"I-I—no sir! I, I mean…" He babbled, before Severus leveled a demonic glare on him. "You mean what Potter? You have thirty-eight, thirty-seven, thirty-six seconds to explain."

"Last school year, that potion that Neville royally screwed up," Harry rushed out, looking caught between standing up for himself against the little threat and dodging up the stairs (where the Stephan thing was still working his way pitifully slowly up the steps), "in late September. I was soaked in it, and you caught me before I fell and got me up to Madame Pomfrey."

Severus nodded languidly, motioning for Potter to continue (faster).

"She said that it was harmless, and there'd be no issues with it. Well, she was wrong. Over the weeks, I started eating more and got sick often. I was really sleepy for a few months, and I was super moody, all the time. And I was gaining a little weight, around my stomach."

"Speed, Potter, use it." Severus pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. A little nasal huff to his right (the stairs, where Stephan-thing was _still_ climbing) only added to his irritation.

Potter sighed, and continued. "Late night to early morning on January 8th to the 9th, I started to feel some cramps in my lower stomach. I tossed and turned until about three am as the cramps just got worse, so I went to take a warm bath. It was when I was taking off my pants that I found blood. So I just went to lie back in bed and wait it out. Finally, at 4:28 in the morning on January 9th, I gave birth to him." Potter gestured with a nod upstairs to the little thing (which had finally made it to the top, with arms raised in victory).

"I just looked down on the bedding between my legs, and there he was, naked and a little bloody. I took him to the bathroom and washed him down a little with a cloth and some water, and he just stretched out in my lap, and slowly sat up, looking at me. I couldn't just run around and announce that I gave birth to a little mini-you, so I just told Ron to tell everyone that I was sick. I watched over him and clothed him that day, and he acted like he was at least five years old, not just a few hours.

"So, by nightfall I gave him rules and set up charms to keep him safe, and trusted a nice house elf to watch him for me. I went to classes, came back, and he was perfectly okay, minus some separation anxiety. I kept the pattern going, and then I came back here after school let out and watched him wreak havoc and stuff while I did my homework. End of story."

Severus stared blankly at him for a minute, before stepping in and closing the door behind himself. "Where are your guardians?"

Potter frowned slightly. "Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia went with Dudley to wait out the release of a new muggle video game. They won't be back until tomorrow morning; they're staying at a little hotel nearby."

"Show me that little thing again, I'll need to study it to understand the potion's effects." Severus intoned, beginning up the stairs. If this little thing could be caused by a potion, which had allowed the spectacular to happen and impregnate a male (granted, it was spontaneous pregnancy, and the results were a little pathetic), then he could alter the formula and possibly invent a potion to allow a male to conceive a child as he pleased, which would make millions (considering the enormous gay population of the Wizarding world).

This was groundbreaking, no matter how humiliating the little thing was to him. Besides, he could always dissect it.

Potter seemed to sense his less-than-kind thoughts, and was horrified. "You are NOT going to treat Stephan like a test-subject! He is a human too, miniature and little distorted, but still perfect!"

Severus raised an eyebrow coldly. "And? It isn't as though the little thing can feel it—it's the result of a potions accident. You couldn't honestly want the little beast."

Potter wasn't placated; if anything, he was even more so horrified, as well as disgusted. "That is my BABY! You aren't going to dissect him like a bug! He _can _feel it—and I _do _want him! I'm his mother, for goodness's sake!" Then the Gryffindor flushed and audibly closed his mouth with a snap.

Severus rolled his eyes, and continued up the stairs. He'd find the room, with or without Potter's help.

Though, it wasn't as though he absolutely needed to—that little thing had unconsciously left a little trail of milk and cereal from the top of the stairs. Severus's best guess was that it had heard him knock earlier while Potter was busy, and came to the top of the stairs with his bowl of cereal. After making its way back up, it probably took back up the meal and went back to Potter's room, leaving a cereal-and-milk-stain trail on the carpet behind it.

Potter frowned in disapproval at the milk and cereal, but let it be without a comment.

Severus pushed open the door, and stepped into Potter's messy little room. The bed obviously hadn't been made from where Potter (and the thing?) slept in it, and was only added to by the milk and cereal stained on it. The little menace sat on a small pillow on the bed, the cereal bowl before it making the little thing seem tinier.

Its gaze was trained on a telly across the room on a small desk, which revealed some little sadistic cartoon the children of the 90's watched nowadays. A small fridge was settled underneath the bed, with a few boxes of cereal and canned foods resting nearby followed by a small fortune of silverware. Potter was probably sleeping in late, and the little menace had awoken before him, turning on the telly and making itself a meal.

Which would explain the upset milk jug on the floor (only some still remaining inside), the overturned cereal box, and the open fridge door. Potter let out a curse and began to set things to rights, scolding the little beast all the while. "Stephan, what have I told you about making food without my help? You should have woken me."

The thing was obviously absorbed in the telly, because it waved off its mother's reprimands absently, trained on the cartoon. Its little hand just flopped a little in the air, before returning to the spoon.

"Congratulations, Potter, you've trained the little menace to be a lazy slouch, just like all lumps of flesh who have ever been cursed with the surname Potter." Severus drily remarked; unimpressed with the mindlessness the little thing showed so early on. It had to be around seven months old by now.

"He's not a slouch, he's a mini-you! Stephan wakes at the crack of dawn just to get dressed and eat his little meal, then he watches his little shows. After that, he wreaks havoc over the entire household for eighty-three minutes (he has it down to an exact science, like you) and then he digs into my trunk and studies Potions." Stephan graced their little argument with an interested look, before something on screen caught his attention.

Severus nearly leapt out of his skin at a high-pitched squeal (or shriek, really), which Harry then scolded Stephan for. So the little menace was capable of noise? Not very much a blessing, considering what the noise made was.

The cause for such noise was revealed when Stephan pointed to the screen and string of barely audible baby-speak issued forth from the little fellow to commentate.

"It speaks in infant-babble?" Severus raised a brow in intrigue. This little beast was becoming more interesting—he _had _to figure out the ingredients of the mishap potion. No longer was it about money or fame, this little creature was just so very unusual. He wished, briefly, that he knew then what he knew now, so that he could properly have studied the progression of Potter's pregnancy.

Potter simply lifted up the little thing into his arms, which created a confused little pandemonium in its mind, torn between the need to watch the telly and the urge to snuggle with its mother (another intriguing mannerism—did it need/crave the attention like normal infants?).

"Professor, how about you wait in the den while I give Stephan his bath—don't argue with me, Stephan, you've gotten out of it for two days! You're too ripe not to bathe." Potter continued to argue with the fussing—dare Severus say it?—'infant', leaving the room from the presumed bathroom.

Only when Severus reflexively turned off the telly did he remember that he had to take the boy to headquarters by a certain time. "Quickly, Potter, I'm required to escort you to a secure location! By noon!"

Potter's answer (undoubtedly a 'yes sir,' Severus would allow no less) was drowned out by the sound of a faucet running, and an enormous splash. Then Snape heard the same high-pitched squeal, followed by a high-pitched shriek of laughter.

So this Stephan-thing could laugh as well?

* * *

Alright, there you have it. I hope you enjoyed it—yes, I know Harry is OOC and Sev is a little bit there as well. But this is AU (technically), so what do ya expect?

I've fallen in love with the idea of little Stephan out and about, so yeah. And part of the reason I quit posting for what probably seems eternity, is that I noticed some serious issues with my grammar and story structures. So I held back and started reading more and analyzing the structures and so on—hopefully you'll notice how beautiful my writing has gotten (compared to before).

No, I don't really have some Writer's Block—I'm just super-straining my plot-bunnies so you get best.

This _technically_ isn't my best, but it's one of my favorites, and it's been so long that I feel bad about leaving you guys in the dark. I hope you like it, but don't trust me again—I don't want to dash your hopes once more. I can't say I'm back for good, but I am back.

Please review, I'd love some criticism—I want to know what you think about how I'm writing. Help me do this for you, so please review. Love you guys and see you later.


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